Monday 18 November 2019

When you are best friends with your ex!

A friend of mine just started seeing a guy. He's fabulous. He's attentive, intelligent, successful, compassionate, funny, charming...you get the drift. But the relationship is in pause mode. Nope. My friend is not nuts...not completely anyway. The problem is the ex! Though not in the clingy, nasty way. She is just around too much.



Now, I am a great believer of healthy, happy relationships with the ex. A person who spends his/her time complaining and maligning the ex is definitely unattractive. But there have to be boundaries in relationships of this kind. Especially if you are looking to start a new relationship with a new person.

The problem with Mr. X is that his ex is always in the picture. There are dinners, lunches, family gatherings, long chats on the phone and constant whatsApp messages. They spend a lot of time together, which is great, since they have a son. So the excuse is that they want the son to be comfortable. But my friend is distinctly uncomfortable. They will go out for dinner and the ex will call on some pretext. They will be hanging out and the ex's uncle will drop in because he is in the area and he loves Mr. X.

To me, the kid seems like the excuse. It seems that the ex and Mr. X still have a relationship going. They don't seem to have accepted that they are now divorced and have separate lives. And why should they? It's perfect! You are not married anymore but you have the best of both worlds. You are independent and yet together.



But my friend is set to bolt. Naturally! She feels like it's a relationship with both of them. She likes the ex but feels it's not fair to her. She wants a life where they are together without the 3rd wheel. She wants Sundays where she can take the son out with him. She wants to play the step mother. She loves the kid. But the kid isn't willing to accept her. He sees her as the vamp who is standing between his parents.

It isn't fair to the kid either. He is still thinking the parents will get together. It is tough enough to have your parents separate without having to deal with this weekend of complete family happiness followed by lonely days when daddy is not part of your life.

The question is, how do you have a new relationship while still having the old one? And how do you help your child deal with it without lulling him in to a false sense of security? How much is too much?

In my opinion, Mr. X certainly needs to lay down boundaries. And if that is too much, he should accept that it isn't over and give it another try. Who knows what a little thinking may bring.

Meanwhile, when you get into a relationship with someone, make sure you're not just the back up or 3rd wheel in your own relationship!




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