Tuesday, 9 October 2018

With RESPECT...#metoo #nomore #enough

I act occasionally...I am part of this wonderful piece of work called The Vagina Monologues. These are stories of pain, humiliation and mutilation, told in a non threatening way. I am proud to be associated with it, but I do wish I didn't have to call it a "wonderful piece of work". How can these stories, true of almost all women be "wonderful"? And I wish I could call it a "wonderful piece of fiction"...which unfortunately it is not and never will be! Here's the thing we believe, silence equals death! And much as I wish we did not need a #metoo movement, here it is! We are finally speaking out. We are finally choosing to live and be live, once more...

Last night, when the story about our favourite #sanskari broke, it shook me. I have no idea why. I've never met him, only seen him on TV, and yet, I wanted to claw his eyes out for doing what he did! What all these wolves did... My first thought was, "I'm lucky! I haven't faced this in all my years on earth." And that was my moment of truth! I'm lucky? To not have been pawed and assaulted? Should that not be the norm? Should we not roam free? Is it not our basic right? WTF? When did we equate basic respect with luck? I'm sick to my stomach!

All our lives, we women, befriend women, bond with them over abuse - sexual, physical, emotional, financial...that is what most of our friendships are based on. Not on football and boys nights out but on pain, held hands, tears shed in the night, often calling each other for support when actually we should be nurturing the universe! And yet, we are broken regularly by those who have forgotten that we are the creators...hell! We have forgotten that we are the creators. And it's time to write a new story!

But before we do that, let's address the poor men who are frightened! Yes! You need to be! You know what you took away not just from us but yourselves too? You took away trust, romance, love, faith, the simple art of flirting, the mating dance, the teasing, the joy! You chipped away at all of this until we began to fear you. "Oh he's flirting with me. He must have an agenda." "He's too charming. He's going to be a wolf." "He's coming on too strong...trying to buy me a drink..." the list is endless. You killed it for yourselves too. It's come to a point where we don't trust the other gender. Romance is turning contractual and relationships are mired in absolute lack of trust. We look at our own fathers, husbands, brothers and sons and wonder if they could do it too. We look at our mothers, sisters, friends and daughters and wonder if they went through it too! Wonderful! What a wonderful world we have created for ourselves.

As for the women who are finally finding the courage to speak...just listen! Just listen to their stories. They don't want sympathy, they don't want to be seen as victims, want publicity or even justice (what justice can there be after a lifetime of pain?) They have chosen to speak because it's cathartic, they need to be heard, but above all they need RESPECT! It's not easy to talk about pain. It's not fun and it's not getting anyone awards! So shut up and listen...with RESPECT!

Here's a story for the women speaking out...my maid was assaulted by her ex employer. She went to the cops. And they came. The investigation was perfunctory at best, but the man's wife and 14 year old son were called to the police station. They knew what he had done! His son knows that his father was in the lock up for attempted rape. She will never get justice for what happened, but he can't parade as a respectable man anymore. The ones who know him, know him for what he is. He has no respect, this rich, educated man. She does. She has RESPECT from everyone for speaking out. So no matter how small vour voice or how few it reaches, speak where it counts. Then speak to people who can help in the healing process. Go into therapy if you can afford it (we know most of us can't). Reclaim your life and live!

And remember, they may have attacked you, but they cannot break you! Your honour, your respect and your reality lies not in your vagina but deep within you! Teach this to your daughters and teach this to your sons.

Go ahead and speak because the world is listening...with RESPECT!

Wednesday, 22 August 2018

The Real Reason Why People Remain Single.

The Real Reason Why People Remain Single.

Let’s be honest… Most people fail to find someone for themselves because they are not used to it.
That’s right. They simply have no idea how the relationship game works. It is an extremely volatile domain where people feel “bad” about this or that so fast… that it can make your head spin & egos get hurt at an unprecedented rate.

Because of this..most will try a few times and then give up and go back to not trying at all OR they will simply outsource this job to their parents.  After all, it’s easier to judge someone during a short arranged marriage meeting that to be judged yourself.

You don’t see the idea of finding someone for yourself a “priority”. It’s just one of those things that you want but don’t or can’t put much effort into. It is down on the “priority” ladder after work, family, friends, acquaintances & even NETFLIX.

You have got into a pattern in life which you find hard to break out of. The excuses to stay in this pattern come hard and fast and they all seem completely valid. But the end result is that the pattern continues.

You may be unpredictable. When someone calls you, one day you are pleasant and make plans and on others you are aloof.  This sends out mixed signals to people looking for a stable relationship.
You are still behaving the same way as you did when you were younger but with age, the rules of the game change whether we like it or not.

You meet people and maybe even go out with them but you don’t commit because you believe that there will always be “more”. Maybe this works in countries and cultures that are more open to relationships but here.. it may not always hold true. This is something that people discover as they go along in life.

You may feel that all the good ones are already taken.
Men will often tell you that when they were in a relationship, girls used to think they are great guys.. (the good ones).. but when they turned single.. they don't think the same way about them anymore.
This is because we see the "good ones" from the perspective of their partner.
So.. are all the good ones really taken? Probably not. You’re still out there..aren’t you? So don't give up and keep looking.

Your approach to “the checklist” is what the other person does not match instead of what he/she does match. This negative attitude may stop you from seeing the more positive aspects in a person. Ditch this approach and see what happens.

Your expectations from a relationship may be unrealistic. No relationship can be exciting forever. You must find the one who you can have a conversation with, share thoughts with, be open with, be brave with, be real with for a long- long time. If you can’t spend comfortable silences together… the rest will be much harder.

You are different from your parents. What they think might be a good match for you may be different from the kind of person you think is right for you.
This is normal because you are creating your own life and filling it with experiences that you enjoy. Your views are changing and you want someone just like you.
Don’t feel guilty about this. Find this someone “like you” unapologetically
NO ONE talks about this.. but it's true.

10. That's it. Now get out there and find "the one". Connect with carefully screened members. Register on https://footloosenomore.com/

Friday, 24 November 2017

Are you good enough?

Another day, another lot of people, and a few hours discussing matters of the heart! This time, the people were in their mid thirties to forties, and all had the same compliant - "we can't find anyone who suits our preferences."

This is something I have written reams about, but this comes up in every conversation and there seems to be no satisfactory answer. So this time, let me ask a question!

"Do you suit people's preferences?" When we talk about our search for "the one", we have a long list which usually goes like this -  good looking, 5 figure income, fun, sense of humour, should make me laugh, look after me, not be too attached to parents, love travel, love to give me gifts and surprises...

WOW! That's some list! It's almost like we are setting out to get the perfect car or house!

But what no one ever talks about is what they plan to bring to the table! So you have 40 yr olds calling other 40 yr olds - too old! You have a person with a corporate job calling other corporate job holders boring, and you have people who don't know the difference between "their" and "there" calling everyone else uneducated!

My question is, when will we also look at ourselves? It's great for a middle aged person to want to be with a lissome young ting. But what about the PYT wanting to hang out with the middle aged person?

To us, unfortunately, everything seems to have become about Facebook pictures! We want to look at perfect profiles with happy, airbrushed pictures. In fact, we seem to want to become perfect profiles ourselves. But does a perfect profile mean perfect compatibility? does looking good in pictures together mean being good for each other?

Are we looking for an extension of arranged marriages where profiles are the only things that matter?

When did we forget that people are not profiles or pictures or the posts they share on social media? They are in fact, supremely interesting beings - a sum of their strengths and weaknesses, perfections and imperfections! Why do we ignore people and look at profiles? Why do we not converse or even chat?

And meanwhile, we have a lot of people, perfectly good people, out looking for the perfect profiles, still single!

Go change it, I say! Connect, converse and discover. Look beyond how you will look with someone or if the person will keep you entertained for a lifetime of give you all you want, because, trust me, someone who puts a smile on your face is better than someone who makes you laugh! Because small smiles are what relationships are made of!

And remember, the perfect match is a shade of foundation, not a person!

Doctor I'm in trouble!

So I fell ill. Naturally, I went to the doctor, who prescribed medication and told me that I would be fine. And as luck would have it, I wasn't fine. So I called the doctor and told him that I was, in fact, in a lot of pain! The doctor got pissed off and told me that I should go to another doctor! My reaction was a simple, "what?" I'm the one in pain and I am not giving up. So what's with you?

Then my daughter fell ill. I took her to the doctor and the same thing happened! This time, the doctor had to go to her "other" clinic, she was tired and was snapping at everyone. The child, who is only 3 yrs old, picked up on it and went into hysterics! The doctor lost her cool and said if the child is not comfortable, I should take her somewhere else because she wants patients who have faith in her! Faith! From a 3 year old? Wow!

So what is it with doctors? What's with the God complex? As I understand it, everything is a trial and miss effort where the patient is pretty much the subject of experiments! I agree that you see a lot of suffering, but if you can't handle a job that puts pressure on you, shouldn't you be taking a break and sorting out your anger issues? Why does every patient who comes to you have to say, "I feel great. Thank you for asking?" If that is what I wanted, I would go to a tea party. And if I just wanted to sing praise, I would go to a place of worship!

So while I am willing to give the doctors a lot of rope because they are stressed, I am unwilling to deal with their tantrums!