Tuesday, 6 December 2011

The ex files!

While I've been mulling relationships, present and future, and giving unsolicited gyan, something very interesting happened to my friend. He met his ex!!!

Once upon a time, the ex went into the ex file which got lost like files do in government offices. If you ever found them again, you looked at it, wondered why the hell it's still around and moved on. Not so anymore! In this age of facebook, the famous ex has a way of returning like a bad dream. They poke, they befriend, they want to know all about you and tell all about themselves, they stalk and keep you as back up for when their present relationship fails. And when it does, you're the shoulder to be cried on until you become the present relationship, often cheating (mentally at least) on your spouse! Whew! Talk about complicating our lives!

But I digress from my story! So my friend got poked by his ex. They had never really broken up. She moved abroad and they drifted apart. He met someone else (she's an amazing woman, this wife of his), married and had beautiful kids and God lived in his heaven...until the POKE!Yup! She was back with a friend request. He added her - wouldn't you? Who wants to miss the chance to show off their fabulous life to the ex who lost out on being with you! Except, you begin to wonder if you were the one who actually lost out! And this is exactly what happened!

He befriended her, she is now divorced so needs a shoulder to cry on, he gave it to her for old times sake...then chat wasn't enough so naturally they had to meet...then she needed a break and he was traveling on work so she went along! And before they could say WTF, it was all over!

Now she is back in lands far away, and he is moping, and the wife, though she remains cluesless about the reason, has noticed that he's distracted. There are furtive calls, emails and what have you, and ladies and gentlemen, another happy relationship sacrificed at the altar of the Godess Ex!

Why do we do it? We so badly want the ex to know that we may have been hurt then, but we're mighty happy now, that we cross boundaries. We hurt the ones who never hurt us! We don't want to, but we do!

The fact is, the past is there for a reason! It was never meant to be or we would have found ways to make it work. Even if we manage a few wonderful days together, it is just revisiting the past. What we are living is not what could have been, but reliving what has gone...a mere memory! And if we did end up spending more time together, we would begin to notice the reason it ended in the first place...and we would be reliving the past again. Except, this time it would be the unpleasant past, the break up.

Let the ex remain where she/he belongs! It doesn't matter if they never know that we are happy. We know it and that is enough. As for being friends, I have enough friends to celebrate my life with, who needs the ex to hold my hand?


  1. Life is inevitable! and so are the bruises from various falls ... one of them a poke from EX. I always considered clarity as one of most beautiful things in life. Before you response/react to the poke from your EX,... now lets leave aside the details of what interaction might transpire. First; are YOU aware about what state of being you might land once the interaction starts, obviously there is a certain feeling which wants to make a way by the EX behind that small poke. A Blast from past is an absolute possibility. Leave what you EX might have to share/say/convey, are YOU SURE what you want to respond? And if, you have moved on with someone else, all the more you have to be clear! Lets accept gracefully without getting affected, we are humans and, nothing is forgotten. But its about ... how it effects you when it surfaces. And please, don`t do the worse by saying where (the EX) landed and how happy you are today, that`s ... UGLY, an act of a lower human being. Once your CLEAR about your interaction, get it conveyed, again clearly that JUST exchange of greetings is perfect, until even YOU YOURSELF have some agenda. Mostly people seem to be unaware, that since its started... its going on..so well... going on. Until, once again, a day will come, when things might happen, again...that was the cause of the break-up in PAST!!! And not wanting, the pain of past sits on your lap and again, feeds you with the sips of misery, and if you already involved with someone, then for both (for the other person its unwanted view of skeletons of your buried graves) and then, an unconscious pop-up of " uff LIFE " ... and this poor life always thrashed for nothing!! The point is, see..analyze for yourself, how much ... as a person, you have evolved to not let the above thing happen !! Think about yourself first, your NOT responsible for what happens with your EX well being, at this point of time, because its OVER! It is just perfect... NOW, to be selfish about your own happiness and harmony, of course not at the cost of any other! Well...so... be very aware of your STATE OF BEING... before you response/react to this sensation you just got from ... the POKE ... OF your EX.....:-)

  2. Well written Varsha... I have often wondered about this and cant for the life of me imagine as to why people act silly without even anticipating what the consequneces cud be and if they can handle the same...... The most foolish step is accepting the person back into your life in whatever capacity or even if u want to show how happy u are etc, its just very self defeating! Cos before u know it u get sucked in the web! And then its too late and so many lives are affected because of one silly decision. We have to learn to let bygones be bygones and never let the past in anyway intrude in out present cos that inevitably screws up the future! And why wud anyone want to do that when there is so much at stake! And i think and that is purely my opinion .. that when u say its ok to be friends... it certainly is not and its easier said than done.. ur putting urself up for a lot when u keep that window open...... some chapters just have to be CLOSED and never reopened if u dont want any complications and dont want to hurt your loved ones! People are very selfish these days.. when things look up fr them they drop their relationships and then when fr whatever those relationships are off they want to get back and thats where one needs to use their discretion and not give in...... it just helps everyone around and involved to not go thru the heartache!

  3. Interesting Blog and even more interesting comments and I was compelled to add my two bits in. The message here is that to stay away from the ex and be safe, why burn your hands, stay away from the fire.

    There are so many people who have affairs and flings with the new people that they meet, so one should stop meeting new people? Making new friends?

    Is that how we wish to live, anything that we feel we cannot handle we should stay away from, how many time the doctors have told us not to drink and we do not heed advice? Don't drink and drive? Eat healthy, exercise very day etc....

    I feel that it also depends on the maturity of the people involved and what one is seeking in life, I know when you see/speak with an ex one's heart jumps a beat or speak a foul word, only two reactions that I have encountered mostly. Our we so troubled in our current relationship that we are seeking out something or we just like the thrill !!

    I feel that meet if you wish but be transparent, let your spouse know, take him or her along, enjoy that bit, go down memory lane.

  4. I agree Anonymous! Especially since I have never resisted anything in life...but the price to pay for living that way is to be ok with the hurt you cause and let the bodies fall where they may! This one was about people who are not able to be hedonistic and yet do things they regret later!

  5. For once Varsha, i will use the words you always use - "I agree".

    But i agree with Anonymous. There is no reason, why an ex cannot be befriended. Of course, there is a reason, why they are an ex. But as long as there is no vendetta, (which sometimes there is in one of the ex's) your current relation is concrete and there is faith, there is no reason why you cannot be friends or at-least pleasant acquaintances.

    Now there is a possibility that, your current spouse / partner may be iffy about the ex. That needs to be handled or then you weigh your choices and take a call.

    In the case of your friend, it seems like it was more a mundane-ness which had crept into his married life, which sub-consciously drove him into the "Oh my God" zone with the ex!! Why blame the ex? You are as much an ex of your ex, as your ex is yours!! (if you know what i mean!)

    Cheers to me!!! I am somebody's ex. I am friends with all my ex's and I aint called a home breaker (not yet ;-))!!!

  6. An Ex is an Ex , is an Ex. Period.I have known of exes who creep in and ruin the present. Be cordial ,especially when kids are involved. But refrain from calls, sharing sob stories, coffees , movies and the once in a way casual sex, for old times sake. Help us god !!It is crass and messes up your present. Be honest with your past and do not try to fool your self and your present relationship.Feels great to be in touch literally with your old flames, but it is just your ego. Let go and move on. My battle with the axe for the exes carries on !! thank you Varsha. Hope some of will realise what we are doing. with exceptions like always...

  7. Very nicely put varsha. I agree. Uncomplicate your life. Your ego can find other ways to show off.