Tuesday, 18 September 2012

How to influence a girl and win her over!

How to influence and win over a girl? I know that a lot of people will read this because of the title, but the honest truth is, "I have no idea."

Over the years I've seen a lot of men try different things. They become amazingly charming, act cool, talk themselves up, pretend they don't care or care too much and nothing seems to work. Then one day, when they say, "forget it! I don't understand what women want," it seems to happen - out of the blue.

So, though I don't know how to influence and win over a girl, I do know something else...and I know this from a lot of women, and I'm going to share it with all the men. As everyone knows, I run Footloose No More, which means, every month I meet a whole lot of new men and women at events. They dress up, and walk in with a spring in their step expecting women to swoon...then a few pairs of eyes turn towards them, and they freeze! Some get over it and go on to make friends, have fun and often even win the girl, but most times they hug the walls, cling their drink, hang out with their friends and pretend to be involved in a messaging spree on the cell phone. As a result, they go off having spoken to no one except the girls who made the effort to seek them out.

What I do know, is this! Women are conditioned not to make the first move. I know we're in the 21st century and all that, but deal with it! We aren't doing it. We like to be approached. We dress up, slap on the make up, get our hair done and walk into a party and we've done our bit. We have presented ourselves. Just the fact that we are out there signifies it's ok to approach us.

Then my dear men, please tell us why you want that wall or your phone more interesting than intelligent, attractive women? Why do you insist on standing in corners looking like we need to become Xena, the warrior princess and rescue you from yourself? Why do you not walk up and say hi? What's the worst that'll happen? We'll smile, chat politely and refuse to give you our phone number in the first meeting! But we will be happy to keep in touch on other forums till we get comfortable. And eventually we'll meet you. We may bring along 1 or 2 or many friends, but you see, we are women and have to think of safety.

Until we get to know you, we will be cautious! But in no way are we rejecting you. We will give you that number, be patient.

But first things first! You need to walk up to us and introduce yourself. And then do the best you can to hold a conversation. We may be these scary mystical creatures, but deep down, we like men and would like to know you better :) So next time you see us and want to meet us, walk up! Or ask someone to introduce us or you'll be having your deep and meaningful relationship with the wall, drink and cell phone for a long time!


  1. 1. Why do men stand near walls/ in corners/ alone at bar counters/ check their cell phones & not walk up to women & talk?

    Ans: Coz many men are not good conversationalists :) It isn't the girl that scares them. Its the possibility of an awkward silence which they might face after saying Hi/ introducing themselves. Many men dont know what to say after they say a Hi! And these awkward moments are awkwad fr both. So the girl generally finds an excuse & walks away, leaving the guy feeling dejected & low.

    Solution: Read a lot: Newspapers - books - magazines, etc. Watch latest movies - keep visiting different places to gain first hand experience at these places to describe your experience at these places in your conversations, etc etc.

    EFFECT: You'll have a lot to talk :)

    2. How to influence a girl and win her over?
    Ans: Be Normal :)

    (And dont just act normal. Be ACTUALLY normal. In your day-to-day life).

    - NK

  2. varsha, you have hit the nail on the proverbial head...men need to be MEN for women to be impressed

    unfortunately, the only 'manly' things some men tend to do have gone out of fashion with the invention of fire and they end up looking like boors and neanderthals...that is what they think 'being manly' is about...loud talking, being aggressive, using vulgar language, having body odour & dirty nails, and considering that there are only two states a woman can be: mother/sister or lover. any other state (like 'friend', 'professional', even simply 'human') is unthinkable

    and even more unfortunately, still other men think that being politically and socially correct means letting go of their manhood, and becoming more and more shy, effeminate and scared of showing their inner man in public, especially in mixed company

    both the above types abound in our society and though, through FLNM's tight controls, you manage to keep out the former, what it does is brings in the latter. men who are afraid to be men. as you must have realised that most men do not understand the words, 'golden mean' and sway and oscillate between being boorish and sissy from time to time

    most men, however, forget that there is a way to be a 'man' without being a neanderthal. the one manly thing that has not gone out of fashion is 'taking charge' and men who cannot do this can expect little in return, unless they are looking for a kiran bedi or a benazir bhutto (ok, that was a joke!)...but on a more serious note, men who are single must realise that being a 'man of action' is what attracts the ladies, and most women, or at least the ones they want to be with, will be put off with either of the two extremes. men need to take charge, sally & go forth without seeming to overwhelm or harass. this is a fine art and like other fine arts, can only be mastered through practice. for this, the men have to be prepared to take an occasional 'no', and need to learn where the thin line is. but then, if it is an art, and one need practice, how does one get practice without getting slapped in the process?

    now, here comes the important point: intent. as the saying goes, "there are no good men, only good intentions". one needs to approach the issue with good intentions. if these are honourable, chances are, even if you make a mistake, you will not have gone down a point of no return and can easily extricate yourself gracefully. if you approach a woman with an intent to befriend, get to know her better and maybe see if it might work out, you are already a winner, regardless of whether it works or not. you will always come out with your head held high and some new lessons learnt. if you approach a woman with a less than honourable intent, i cannot be sure whether it will work or not, but i can guarantee that if it goes wrong, it will go terribly wrong. so, i feel that men who are scared of the consequences of being a man of action or of taking charge, are also unsure of their intent, since they probably imagine how it might end badly, calculate the odds, and stay away. on the other hand, men who approach the issue with honourable intentions rarely fear things going wrong, and are hence, more confident in their attitude and impress women

    it all boils down to what you think about women and how you treat them. what you want out of them flows directly from this attitude. so, my advice to men: introspect what you want and how you look at the opposite sex. change what you need to change to make sure you have the right objective in mind when looking at another human. the right expectations and honourable intentions, coupled with a 'take charge' attitude will get you where you want to faster than you can imagine

  3. Varsha....great insight...can you throw some light on actually what girls look into a man...as u said they like to be approached and start talking. But many times I feel that women are superbly dressed and they expect the same....or is it jst a perception. being just normal and intelligent does matter?

  4. Kedar..greatly described in words. This is a very interesting to understand what we acheive at the end of the day ...head held high or low...which in turns affects as a person. Thank you for such great insight...surely atleast I have gained a lot from this.

  5. What you wrote is true. Women can be the most ferocious negotiators in a boardroom but wen it comes to matters of heart, even most of the confident ones would like to be approached. Its like something in our DNA. Most of the times, the case might be "aree profile pic to alag tha: aur relatiy mein yeh?"
    But then again no one is going to cling to you after 2 min chat. ITs more of breaking the ice. If the other person isnt meant to be then the equation is set at different level, right?


  6. This post is so relevant! I cannot tell you how much!

    Here are a few tips for the guys...

    Yes, we love a great conversation...but we also get interested in someone who can still manage to admit that they really don't talk much but wouldn't mind listening to us. Yes, we gab a lot...but we like to with those who are listening to us and yes, not messaging and watching that football while we are. We are women, and we like undivided attention. If you must make a call or message, do excuse yourself and say 'Hey I gotta take this but do you mind if I come back and take this up from where we are leaving it? Basic courtesy wins.

    If you have come to a singles party, it is okay for you guys to hang out at the bar, but like Varsha said, everyone out there is waiting to be approached. Hanging out at the bar and watching football, don't expect to find someone.

    Also, please do not talk about your EX when you meet us the first time. We would like to know, perhaps after a couple of more catch-ups but not the first time you meet us. Unless we ask, do not get there. If we ask, keep it brief. Better, keep it off.

    Post meeting for the first time, guys, if you ask a girl out, be chivalrous enough to pay. I know it's a liberated country and all that and the woman will insist she pays her share. NEVER let her pay. Not on a first date. It's the cheapest thing to do. If you have asked her out, she is to be valued enough to not have her pay, no matter how much she can afford it.

    Women, especially on FLNM are really forthright so I will not mention much but here is a piece of observation for single men and women (especially my FLNM fellow women members) - Events and parties you come to are opportunities for you to meet people. It is alright to carry on the conversation later over a cup of coffee or whatever you feel like. Try to not engage one single individual, say Mr. X, the entire event. Yes, he is charming. Yes, you are interested. That is good. Remember, this is an avenue for meeting people. Try not to hold onto someone just because you don't want to talk to anyone else anymore. Maybe, the other person does. That is why we are there. If he/she is interested, they will catch up and exchange contact details. But do NOT smother someone so much by hanging on to them that they refuse to show up on other events because they did not really meet anyone else and that's what they had gone to the event in the first place.

    Yes ladies! If you are wondering where are all the good guys and why haven't they been showing up...you are responsible...at least a few of you. You have manged to scare them away...and they will show up at future events only if you don't. There, I said it! You, dahlings, have chased the men away. Don't blame them all the time. If a guy is looking around and shuffling his feet while you are talking to him and forcing himself to nod his head and look at you, let him go...if he wants to be in touch with you, he will come back. If he doesn't, why are you interested in someone who isn't?

    Varsha...if I write anymore, this will be a blog!

    (ps) it already feels like one!)

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  9. Thanks Varsha!! and others around for sharing such realistic and important views here.
    Yes, it’s quite an eye opener, which many of us must be facing the similar situation in their lives. Some may have shared, some never thought of expressing or talking about it, feeling or assuming, that what will people think about them?
    It’s actually a mix scenario out here! There are times when men actually wants to genuinely go and talk to the girl, but there are also moments which restricts them from doing so.
    You go out in a pub for a drink and you look around trying to know if there are any single's there. So you finally spot some beautiful girl sitting right at the corner of a pub / restobar. You smile at her; she smiles back. This exchanging of smiles keeps happening for a brief time. So you try to gain confidence within yourself to go and introduce yourself and strike the chord. The moment you walk and move towards her, she waves the hand to the waiter for the bill.
    Oops!! You hold on a bit and just look around trying to get your source of confidence back to normal and constantly thinking ‘WHAT DO I DO KNOW’? You suddenly start getting assumptions and start judging yourself. You start thinking maybe she is not interested, maybe she didn’t like my face, maybe someone is waiting for her, hence she is leaving, or she might think me as one of those who is trying his luck seeing a single girl in a pub.
    So eventually all the spirits which were build; goes down in drain and to forget this misery you start concentrating on your drinks again and forget about conversations.
    So what could have been the ideal conclusion to this scenario!
    A) Should that guy could have approached that girl irrespectively whether she called for the bill and leaving aside all the judgments and assumptions?
    B) The girl could have had a discussion with that guy for some time and then called for the bill?
    C) Or both of them were not sure, whether they actually wanted to talk and know each other, Had any one of them were sure, may be that person would have taken a step ahead?
    D)Any other views? :-)

  10. Ritesh...with so many assumed scenarios playing out, why don't you just follow your heart and just go ahead and do what you set out to. Other things are not in your control and it's not your problem. It's not like you are asking her to marry you. I always ask myself, what's the worse that can happen? It helps. :)
    Good luck!

  11. Sandy......can you throw some light on actually what girls look into a man...as u said they like to be approached and start talking. But many times I feel that women are superbly dressed and they expect the same....or is it jst a perception. being just normal and intelligent does matter?

  12. You win someone over by being yourself, being confident and being a gentleman. If there qualities cannot win someone over, i do not know what will :P

  13. Nice one, this is just too good a pep up. I think you've given me a cure to my long aged disease.

    Thanks for the advice. I think mine has got to so with the fear of being rejected, especially in public. I also at times think i am not too good for the lady and that she's far better than myself.

    Immediately that kind of thinking comes into mind, fear sets in and over shadows me, I have already lot my chance.

    Today, your article have just cured me of one big disease that has been with me for so many years.

    Thanks to Varsha Agnihotri and every one on here.