Tuesday, 28 August 2012

What do you want?

What do you want is a question I ask very often...almost always in the same context! But let me back up a little :)

The last time I asked this was a week ago, of a lady who attended a party with 150 single people. But she questioned me first. "Where are the guys?" She asked. "About 75 are here, you have met about 300 over a period of 6 months, and will continue to meet more, till you've figured yourself out. So tell me, what do you want?"

The lady in question wants to get married, have a companion etc...all the usual stuff, which I believe both men and women want...just not from the ones they know. Everyone is waiting for this mysterious person, who will come and change their entire being...this from people who refuse to change for anyone :)

But I digress, as usual. In answer to my question, the lady got thinking and pointed to a guy across the room. He was a beefy 20 something, while the lady was in her 40s and mother of a teenager. I didn't know what to say. In a day and age of advertising being all about aspirations, I have found that most people aspire for someone who is clearly a mismatch.

What are the chances that the young man would consider being married to the lady? At best, she'd be the older woman. This was also my worry when I met my other half, but that is a story I have told too often.

Other things that were desirable were good looking - when I asked how does good looking equal to a great relationship, the person was quiet. And then I got the reluctant answer, "my friends will be so jealous that I snagged him." Ah! So you want that guy not because you're attracted to him or know any thing about him, but to invoke envy in your frenemies! Way to go! That's a great reason to have a relationship with this guy.

Then there's, "must be rich. Because I like comfort and getting gifts is so romantic." Ah! So this one wants to marry a pair of Jimmy Choo, or an LV, or a holiday in the South of France!

There was a long list of desirable qualities, but good looking and rich topped the list. I was amazed. In this day and age of physical and monetary attraction, what is a normal person like me to do?

The same was the case with men! The 50 yr old men, who are fit and doing well, think the 30 somethings are going to be theirs because they are eligible! While the 30 somethings want someone they can grow old with, not someone who will want to stay home in 5 years time.

Basically, we all want someone who wants someone else and there is no end in sight. Exceptions do happen and I'm one of them, but they are rare.

 Long before my husband walked into my life, I had taken a long look in the mirror, accepted that I was average and decided to get on with life. That's I've never been impressed by looks helped. He came along and changed things, but we'll get into that later.

Today, most women I know are good looking, fit and doing well. We need men for companionship and not much else. And amazingly, in the long list, not one person mentioned that word.

So here's the question. "What do you want?"

Out of the 100 or so people I spoke to about this, only one girl said, "a man who puts a smile on my face without the gifts!" I agree with her that when that's all you are looking for, age, money, looks and all the other complicated stuff fades away, and what is left is a relationship that does make you smile :)


  1. Great read, Varsha, and so totally true! We have become so materialistic and showy these days that even finding a companion doesn't escape these wants. Only when we really look for what's inside a person than outside, will be able to find out true life mate.

  2. I know what I want...its a tall order... :) hopeful

  3. Nobody actually knows what they want, so they make a list of things they would like to have, but when love happens, that is if and when it happens, nothing matters but just the need to be with that person......forever...

  4. One of the best articles/ write-ups of yours. Best line in the entire thing was the one that ended the 3rd para - 'this from ppl who refuse to change for anyone'. Too good.

    Nikhil k.

  5. Nice one. Yes we do get swayed by TV n movie stuff... We should all just stop and listen what our heart says!


  6. Really good one Varsha !! :-)

  7. Million Dollar question. What do we want, rather what do I want.It is always what our neighbors have. It's always that which is distant.I know of a woman who wants a seedha guy ! Another a lover, a third a millionaire n so on... Yes it is never about just spending the rest of your life with someone who will be there as a friend and yes a companion. I swear by this word . I keep telling my friends i do not need a guy for money or fame,or good looks because inner beauty will never fade. A hunk has never been my kind of guy.Yea they do look good but I need someone I can relate to, laugh with. Someone who lets me be and respects me and what I do.Accepts me for what I am and loves me with all my faults coz nobody is perfect. And vice a versa. The guys too want arm candy or a rich woman. Yea we are doing well and you could even live in our house but then I wouldn't want it that way...I am that typical woman with orthodox values...I am looking for just a partner.

  8. People confuse 'wants' with 'needs'. My proposition is that the latter is what should take prominence. Fulfill your 'needs' and you will be content. 'Wants' are never-ending. You'll always want to keep up with the Jones' (or the Shah's/Patel's etc. in our case), and that is surely a recipe for disaster! Material 'wants' trumpet 'needs'...

    Individuals need to pull their fingers out of their asses and understand there is a flip side that is often conveniently overlooked. What is it that YOU are offering? Do you tick the boxes that they inevitably have? Or does that not matter? Are you so perfect that you run over the other person's 'faults' (I use the word advisedly) with a toothcomb but ignore your own? Is it that you only want your 'wants' fulfilled? And the other person's wants/needs don't matter? A bit selfish and short-sighted, methinks!

    Be humble. Be accepting. Forgo your expectations. 'Give' before you 'receive' (again, used advisedly). We're all human. We WILL make mistakes. We WILL falter. Each and every one of us is as different to another as snowflakes supposedly are. Even though they're made from the same material. Understand that. And revel in that, rather than trying to find someone who fills those pockets that lie within each one of us. Ones we call 'wants'...

  9. Excellent write Varshaa, and great insight! Ahhhhh, I'm rhyming - am I in love??? With words, certainly;) but like you (Bad influence~@#$%), I digress...

    Knowing better and DOING better are two totally different things, Varshaa. So cut your friend-with-the-teenage-daughter a little slack here. After all, in a world that almost entirely obsesses over looks - however skin-deep or short-term they may be, its but obvious that your friend too is bitten by the "neighbours' envy, owner's pride" bug. That the hunk might possibly be eying her teenage daughter in a couple of years is perhaps a thought that never crossed her mind...

    Companionship - now that's an acquired taste, you know. Almost always overlooked in today's frenetic world of instant digital apps:)Most of us are having the most intimate relationships with our cellphones, note books and tabs anyway! No one TALKS anymore! Worse, no one LISTENS...we're all tweeting, status-ing & whats apping our most intimate feelings away to total strangers..and quite comfortable doing that. Scary! Or at best, for a bit of live companionship, keeping dogs. Are humans not worth our company anymore?

    What I want? I want someone to want me...that's all. No cell phones. No dogs. Then its up to me to keep her wanting me - more than her cell phone, more than her dog...