Friday, 2 November 2012

What's your excuse?

Last evening I was chatting with a friend. She's just gone through a break up and is being very strong about it! There were no tears, no falling apart, no calling him a spineless bastard - which in my opinion he is! What was there, was a firm belief that he loves her but can't be with her! Awesome! That's got to be true love! Maybe he is going to stay single all his life, they will both pine for each other and then, in their old age, he will realize his mistake and be back! But wait! He's already seeing someone else!

When i pointed this out to my friend, she stuck to her guns! The guy had told her that he cares a lot for her (Love - that word was never used), but he could not be with her because the thought of commitment was freaking him out! This was when I freaked out and told her it was spineless speak for I don't care enough for you!

If he wants to be with you, he will be! Nothing will stop him! The fear of losing you will be greater than the fear of losing his freedom. And freedom to do what? Go out and hit on other girls (he doesn't love you and is keeping his options open), to go out and drink with the boys (I've never known a girl who stops her man from doing this! In fact, it's a relief because then we can hang with the girls and stop giving you attention)! He is not scared of commitment, he is afraid that he doesn't love you, and now he has to find an excuse to get rid of you!

He is trapped in a loveless marriage! She won't leave him! So why doesn't he leave her? This is the 21st century! Marriage is a matter of choice and unless she is dying of some unspeakable disease, he can and should leave her, so you can be together and she can move on! No one gets trapped in a loveless marriage! If you are happy being the bit on the side, go for it! But if you want the M word, move on! He loves his wife and isn't about to leave!

He's waiting for his kids to grow up! Kids are resilient and will adapt! I do respect the fact that he loves his kids enough to be with them, but by the time they grow up and hate you, you'll be too old to care. Besides, get him to get the kids to live with you!

His family/ mother/ community is against it! And he can't fight for you? I'd dump this spineless fellow NOW! If he loves you, he will find a way to deal with even the "khap." People do it everyday! Let him find the strength and inspiration from these couples!

At this point, feel free to add the excuse you or your friends have been using and read again :)

What all this is, is our way of hanging on! We know he's never going to make it legal but we are afraid to move! But until we stay in these toxic situations, we won't find the good stuff! We hold ourselves back by making excuses for this person!

Fact is, "love will find a way." And that is the absolute truth! And this holds true for women too. If there is a girl feeding you the same stuff, examine what you really want!

If you are ok being in this relationship, enjoy it!!! You live only once and the only thing that counts is to be happy:) But if you are the kind who wants more, repeat to yourself everyday, "if he/she wanted to be with me, he/she would be! And no reason except the fear of giving me a scary disease is accepted!"


  1. Varsha! I agree to most of what U have put here & believe that nothing (almost nothing) can stop one if 'He/ She' loves the other... There however is another dimention to this where the love is pure, true & both still cannot be together - The fear of losing the person is so looming large that they rather live apart! This is not at times an excuse but the reality... Khaps exist & being practical at times is more important as the life of the one U love is more important than being together! The fear of giving me death is much larger than any other fear... :) On this note - this is an exception I am talking of & 99% fall in the category U just highlighted on Ur blog!

  2. For all the bravehearts who make it, despite all odds, a big warm salute. You have the courage and you got the vagina. Not meant in a deregatory way. Most of the time we say have some, its rather grow a vagina...because balls are sensitive and weak.
    (Okay...this may drift intto another topic)...
    Settle for no less...know when its time to move it...know that you deserve more than just be a passing memory...and yet, for all those who hold on for an extra mile...big big still want to give it another shot...if at that extra mile, you see yourself walking a lonely road, stop. Look. Move on.
    This post hits home...yes my solar plexus too!

  3. I was reading about a "Living apart Relationship" where the couple live in their own homes and are together on the weekend and then it is back to where we belong kind of scenario ! I read it with astonishment !
    I mean if you love or care about each other, why this distance and space between us ?
    Oh yes there are many more excuses like 'you look forward to meeting each other more ' or less of everyday boring mundane talk and blah blah blah...
    Where there is love there is a whole new world. We do keep settling for second best and yes cover up for all that we do not want to give someone. All that about " If you love someone set them free" is all Bull...If you really love someone , you would want to spend each moment with them and even that feels less ! I am looking for that someone.Do they exsist ?

  4. Monica, yes they just haven't met yours yet.

  5. I just felt like I read "He's Just Not That Into You" all rolled into one blog post. Look past the excuses. "You're not the exception, you're the rule" - so if he isn't with you, he doesn't want to. Period.

    And for one teeny moment if I do accept he so, so does love you and you're soulmates cursed to part etc etc, it still doesn't keep the bed warm or take care of you when you're down with flu. You need and deserve love, my dear Everywoman. Just don't ask me how one gets it - I haven't figured out that bit yet.